36 Weeks and...

he's breech.

I had my 36 week appointment on Monday. I mentioned to the OB that I had been feeling some pressure down low, but not consistently. I explained to her that it felt as though he was kicking and punching me in the cervix, bladder, basically all body parts down there. Because she was already doing a swab for strep, she decided to check my cervix. It was completely closed and she couldn't feel a head. She felt my belly externally and determined that it is in fact his head that is consistently up in my right rib.

I go to my weekly appointments without J, as they are usually quick and easy. No reason for him to be there really. I really wished that he had been with me for this news because I was devastated. So much so that I completely forgot to ask all my questions about vaccinations. One of which I was prepared to get while I was there. She explained that she wanted to get an ultrasound and then she would see me next week to discuss an ECV or c-section.

We went back in today for the ultrasound to determine exactly how he is in there and it is confirmed that he is breech. Bum is in the pelvis. However, he is still a boy :-) and he currently weighs about 6 lbs 3 oz :-)

I have been thinking more and more about my initial reaction to finding out he is breech. Of course, it is upsetting news for anyone not wishing to have a c-section but I think it goes back to IF. I couldn't get pregnant "naturally" and now I am being robbed of the experience to give birth naturally? How is that fair? It makes me angry. But then, as fast as I got the news and got really upset about it for a day, the feeling passed and I am feeling a bit indifferent to it right now.

Do I want to be cut open, spend an extra 3 days in the hospital, go through the pain of surgical recovery, not get to hold and cuddle my little baby as soon as he makes his way out of the birth canal, allowing the cord to pulsate as long as possible, never have the experience of feeling a real labor contraction, not have some great story to tell about where and when I went into labor? Absolutely not. I would give anything to not have to make the decision to have the surgery.

But, the bottom line is that it is where I am right now and what I have to face. Attempting the delivery would be dangerous for myself and baby. Why the hell would I put either of us at risk after everything we have been through to get to this point? This is why I am passing on the ECV. If he doesn't turn on his own by the c-section date then c-section it will be. If he does, well, that would just be awesome.

I am trying to look at the positives of the surgery. If it is scheduled, I can schedule my last day of work and know that everything has been covered as I am walking out the door. My parents can schedule their visit to be with us and I can schedule it on a day that my sister can be here. They will want to schedule me for 38 or 39 weeks, which means that I get to meet him sooner. As much as I want to feel the pain of childbirth, it does take a bit of the nervousness off of wondering just how I will deal with the pain. As much as I hate the hospital and do not want to be there for even the two days that a vaginal birth would have us there for, maybe it will be nice to have the nurses there to help me learn how to breastfeed, not feel rushed in getting out of there, allowing me the time to think of all the million questions I may have. All in all, it may not be the worst thing in the world after all.